I am not sure how to structure this blogpost. I typically have notes and outlines so that there is some sort of organization but this post is realtime. I'm in the trenches of a recurring lesson and I won't even write that THIS TIME is THE TIME. The time I see it through, because who knows I could quite possibly be here again in 3 years. Rather, I will say that this time I'm choosing to transform what I'm learning into love. Unconditional love. At least I think? Stick with me.
Alchemy is a noun. According to Google's search dictionary, it's the medieval forerunner of chemistry, based on the supposed transformation of matter. It was concerned particularly with attempts to convert base metals into gold or find a universal elixir. It's said to be a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation or combination.
A seemingly magical process of transformation.
So let's take this lesson that keeps resurfacing for me, or this wound that keeps getting ripped open. 14 years ago my reaction rate was high, my compassion level low, and my awareness of my deeper wounds and even the word trigger were NON existent. Today, reaction rate much slower (thanks yoga and Vipassana), my understanding of ego love vs. unconditional love is annoyingly present and my awareness to my triggers is LOUD AND PROUD.
In the spiritual and emotional world, some may say that I'm an alchemist. I can transform what pains me or triggers my wounds into something a bit more beneficial to me, and to those around me.
I can take the years of life gifted to me on this planet thus far, and start to feel things differently. When something makes me sad, and I can sit with it. I can explore where it's really coming from. I can choose to act from love and not projection of fear. Love is the only thing that is real after all.
But, my qualm is...if this is a lesson, when will it be over? Vienna Pharaon, an amazing relationship based therapist in NYC, says, " we need people who are going to reopen wounds. That's the only way to heal them. We can't heal by avoiding. We heal by going through, by reopening, by learning, by feeling the pain and transforming it with the people who will stand by us as we do."
It's such a beautiful and annoying concept. Beautiful because this life, as excrutiating as it can feel sometimes, is happen FOR US, to help us HUMAN BETTER. Human is not perfect, no such thing, human is compassion, kindness, the recognition we're all fighting a harder battle. Human'ing is the strong belief we are all connected and we are one.
But, it's fucking annoying because our ego. Our stupid little shit ego wants the relationship, the car, the bag, yadda yadda, and the triggers or pangs of sadness, jealousy, competition are little voices that say, "you ain't shit without those things so you better force and control your way to get them." Ego is a VERY REAL feeling that shouldn't be minimized.
But, thats where the work starts. That's where we start to make the choices. The choices that serve us better, that are forgiving and kind. You are worthy of these choices and life feels better when you explore your darkness and sit with it, so you can ALCHEMIZE it or transform it into something useful that wont make you feel like a dumpster fire.
So, it's ok if someone isn't choosing you, if their love for you isn't the same as yours for them. You still love them, even more so, because they are the people that help you to heal. Even if they aren't standing with you when you do it.
I encourage you to reflect, without judgment, on something in your life that may resurface time and time again, maybe even in different forms. How has it morphed over the months or years? Now, how can you view it in a way that serves you? This life is happening for us, not to us. We are never victims, we are always students. I love you.
