Mother Teresa once said, "if you want to change the world, go home and love your family." I think she is speaking directly to me, at this exact moment in my life. Those may not be the exact words she uses, as it's pulled from the internet, but what I believe her message to be is to treat those close to you with as much kindness as you can , despite everything. For some reason, it's very easy to treat family like doo-doo. I don't know if this has become a thing because they can't leave you, or subconsciously you know you'll always be connected by blood, so therefore you take advantage of them or just disregard them. In any case, our family members sometimes are our most beneficial teachers, IF we are willing to tune into their lessons. Especially when their lessons feel like passive aggression, yelling due to their frustration, or sheer annoyance because of their codependent behaviors. I believe if we tackle these relationships, when we go out into the world, we'll have a stronger foundation of kindness and love, which may be what good ol Mama T meant.
My beautiful, precious, warrior grandma has been in the hospital since last Wednesday. She is doing much better but still in lots of discomfort. Intestinal issues paired with soft bones caused for an aching back that has left her in bed all week. However, she has her appetite back, and in the eyes of an Italian woman this is a GOOD sign.
Since she has been in the hospital my mother came to visit and help out, instead of just my aunt undertaking this task alone. My aunt lives above me in my grandma's home to take care of her full time and I rent the apartment below the house. Which, keeps me in close quarters with everyone.
Being away from my family for two years in Florida, I had the opportunity to do some really meaningful healing in regards to my deep root issues. Fear of abandonment, self acceptance, self love, etc. I was able to see very clearly that current triggers are here to remind me that something from an earlier time has not had time to heal, or even be addressed. I have been able to see that when I react to an event that is happening in real time, it's me projecting from a place in me that has not been revealed or uncovered, that needs attention.
I am so grateful for this. However, now I can see that the women of my family may not have undergone the same healing and/or taking of responsibility for their deeper wounds. To no fault of their own, I think the major shift, collectively, for emotional health awareness happened later in their life. So, since witnessing their reactions, their habits, their words, their thoughts, I can see SO VERY CLEARLY why I may have inherited some belief systems, conditioned patterns, etc. I actually remember laughing one night two weeks ago because of the BLATENT visual the universe was sending me. Like, "look!! this!! ancestral ish is REAL."
SO what's a girl to do? if you should find yourself always getting irritated with family (or anyone close, for that matter), or absorbing energy that isn't yours here are some helpful ideas.
Amy Lucky once quoted, "you can't hold anyones hand on their warrior path." So immediately I let go of my incessant want and need to HELP. I can be a guide, a light, but I will never try again to change anyone. My 20s were exhausting, and I accumulated to much unnecessary resentment because, despite my efforts, nothing changed. A funny joke I learned in grad school was this:
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Now I sit back and continue to live, with gentle pauses and breaths throughout my day, acknowledging how something made me feel, and resisting the temptation to react to it. Which literally looks like this, (ON A GOOD DAY): someone says something to me. In my head, "that made me feel less than." Deep breath. Maybe another deep breath pending the comment. Drop my awareness to my heart. And respond then. And only then.
But, ooo REACTION. There's that word. I touched on it a couple blog posts ago. I'll delve a little more into it here.
For yoga teachers, and healers of any kind, there is a phrase that is called, "holding space." What separates a good teacher/healer from a GREAT one is their ability to hold space for their clients/students, or anyone in their life. For example, when shit gets hard on the mat (sweat dripping, fatigue increasing, wobbly balance postures, etc) a teacher who is perceptive enough to see the energy shifting from hopeful to frustrated, can do one of two things: quickly move to next pose while making a funny joke or give students the time to experience the frustration and see who the eff they are when frustrated. AKA Hold Space. Not terribly long to the point of suffering, but In that space, a teacher/healer can insert cues or insightful words to help the student recognize what's going down, but ultimately the teacher cannot force the student to try again, or find a different thought that is more compassionate or kinder.
Holding space isn't doing anything for the student or coddling or babying them, but it's giving them the room to see for themselves. What the student wants to do upon seeing for themselves is completely up to them.
So - this long tangent circles back to holding space for that difficult person in your life before reacting to them. Because, it is very easy to react. To yell back, to roll your eyes, to secretely judge them for how stupid they could be because you are super perfect and never did anything like that ever. HA (this was a joke)
It's EASIER to react because unfortunately that's what is typical. It's harder to pause. To replay the times you felt criticized, judged, uncared for, etc, which felt shitty so why would you do the same to them, and then instead find compassion and kindness. That is way harder, but that ultimately is what's necessary to exist together. Exist. Not tolerate or stay in an abusive situation, but exist.
Lastly, clearing your energy with tools such as Palo Santo, meditation, forgiveness practice, time alone, showers where you picture your anxiety/fury/frustration washing off your body and down the drain, connecting with nature, oooo and the best, DEEP FUCKING BREATHS. One of my former clients texted me the other day, "yo I literally hold my breath for hours at a time, help!" It's not uncommon, and it's imperative to implement a breathing practice if you're not doing yoga.
By clearing your energy you are acknowledging to yourself that their issues are not yours to bear. Their reactions to you, are because you are triggering something in them they have not healed. You are not the cause, so therefore, you don't have to react.
Then, instead of reacting, you can love. Like really love. Before bed say, "I love you ___." Do something kind for them. Send a text that lets them know you love them. I avoid saying, be the bigger person, because sometimes that invites in an air of entitlement or snobbery, but love BIGGER. Yes, that feels better. Just keep loving. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Love is who we are deep down. When we peel away the layers of actual shit that family, society, friends, lovers, have piled on us, we can start to not just understand love, but live it. Embody it.
I love you.
