"Where your attention goes, your energy flows."
This quote is from the mouth of one of my favorite people, ever, in the history of my life thus far. Rachel McCary. Rachel teaches Bikram Yoga in Naples, FL and the words above were weaved into every class. She slipped this phrase in so perfectly and subtly at different times, on different days, when she could sense the room needed a redirection. In most Bikram classes theres a point where everyone is like "wtf, WTFFFF?" And it takes a very perceptive person to sense it and take everyone down a notch. Rachel's good like that. Miss you, boo boo.
Anyway, my post is not about Rachel, or Bikram Yoga even though I love both very much. My post is about the unfortunate school shootings and my choice not to participate in the facebook/social media plight to make change. This is kind of a way to defend myself around my absence re: these issues, I understand that, but also, a way for you to see where I am coming from.
I've never addressed an issue of this magnitude on any of my blogs, not because I'm ignorant or chose to focus on butterflies and rainbows, and send love and light, but because I chose not to feed into the fear based ways people think change will happen. While this is solely my OPINION, I do not believe that anything will take place on a grander scale until we, each person as an individual, takes responsibility for themselves. So with that said, this blog post is to share how I think one can start to take responsibility for themselves so they're not projecting their deeper emotional wounds on the world, and in worse case scenario end up where we are today, in re: to all the dying.
Where our attention goes, our energy flows. Rachel's words immediately come to mind when I see incessant posts about thoughts, prayers, blame, hate, fear, etc. To me, addressing issues in this way is reactive. Reaction. Mmmmm. Yes. Something I speak a shit ton about on the yoga mat. Where do you go first when you feel uncomfortable (or insert any adjective here) on your mat? Yes that. Let's start there. For example, in Warrior 2, it's my shoulders, then my thighs. The aching, leads to shortened breath, the shortened breath leads to thoughts regarding how long we are going to stay here, and that leads to increased intensity. Deep breath. Ok, I can hang out a little longer, or can I? It goes on and on. Fear & insecurity.
Each sensation in my body, causes a thought, or a physical reaction and it's the same damn thing every time. My attention goes to everything that I was feeling, and if I wasn't a seasoned practitioner that knew her breath could change it, I would most likely straighten my leg and come out of Warrior 2. Some days I do!! I react. My attention to what felt hard, made my energy drop, and BAM, out of the pose, just like that.
Now, I'm am not trying to minimize the events that have taken place in the past years to a yoga pose by any means. I'd like to simply tease out this analogy.
When I shift my attention to my breath first, I can soften around what feels uncomfortable first. I can sit with it. I can create a little, tiny, itty bitty space in between my aching muscles and my conditioned response to exit the pose. In this little baby space, I get stronger, I learn about my resilience, I find compassion for my body, this shit is hard.
Another example, think of an addict. They feel some sort of sensation that's uncomfortable or new, and instead of tending to that and exploring it, they resort to their conditioned response of drinking or drugging.
So when tragic events happen and our conditioned response is to add to fear with more fear, by reacting from fear, we continue to stay in this cycle. Again, my opinion.
How can we make the shift?
In my opinion? I think that whether we are on our yoga mats, with family, at work, in the car, with a loved one, when we feel something, anything, happy, sad, scared, anger, anything at all. We take a breath. And this is the hard part. This is why we practice and practice some more. WE NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR REACTIONS TO OUR SENSATIONS. WE MUST. I strongly believe when we do, when we start to really see that that person/place/word/thing that's causing a sensation is just triggering, or activating, a feeling in you, they are not the cause. They are triggering something much deeper. Can you sit with that. Breathe into it. Go back further. Find the root. Pull the root out rather than just continuing to cut the weeds (reacting to the person/palce/word/thing). This does not mean condoning unacceptable behavior, but rather then reacting, maybe you just exit instead.
This is hard, brave work.
And, if we are counselors, teachers, guides, healers, parents, aunts, grandmas, we need to ALLOW THE SPACE for our children, or anyone younger in our environment to FEEL. Let them cry and yell. Don't stifle their emotions. Don't tell them to calm down. Let them get it up and out. Create the safest space for them to feel it, so they can free it. When they do, tend to them like you would tend to yours and breathe with them. Explain to them that this emotion is BIG, but it will pass, even if it feel like it never will. From the space we create in between a sensation and reaction, we learn impermanence. That no feeling is final. Some feelings last way longer than others, but they do end, or at least lessen in intensity.
I digress, I'm not a parent, but getting back on track...
I will continue not to feed into, "thoughts and prayers," to blame, to anger, to anything like that, but I will continue to sit in silence with my personal feelings about it, and breath into the part of my body that i feel it the most when i do think about it. It's always my heart. And when I send my breath there, I weep. Tears rolling down my face while strolling on the Long Beach boardwalk. Feel it and free it. Initially, when i heard about Florida I was angry AF. What I have learned about myself over the years is typically my anger is always just a mask for sadness. I've come to realize and ask for forgiveness to those who've I've ever snapped at, yelled at, been angry with. That anger is just a cover up, and we all know the quote about holding onto anger.
Maybe I feel very strongly about this because I just finished, "The Judgment Detox," by Gabrielle Bernstein and it even addresses one of the mothers who lost a child from the Sandy Hook shooting or maybe I'm just so incredibly blown away that I keep having to hear these stories.
Whether or not you agree, it starts with you. If every human being took responsibility for themselves, from the start, we could start to make the greater shift.
Where do you start? How do I take responsibility for myself? Great question.
Find a therapist. Immediately. Drop the judgment. It's time. Heal your deeper wounds. The ones you don't even think you remember, from when you were six and you dropped a glass jar of mayonnaise in the supermarket and instead of asking if you were ok, your dad yelled at you. Yea, start there. Stop going to your friends, they have their own stuff going on. Find a therapist. Now.
Second, watch, "Doing Time, Doing Vipassana." It's free on youtube, and it's only one hour. Thank you, Amy Lucky!
Third, take note of your reactions, without judgment. Reactions to everything, even the good stuff! No stories or critiques, just notice initial reactions maybe for one day. Journal it.
Fourth, be kind to yourself, once you start to tap into this healing process, we need to remember we're undoing years!!! of conditioning. Some conditioning that we didn't even chose for ourselves, but our parents did. A good example of this, is if you start yoga when you are 70. You have NOT been doing yoga for 70 years, so it's gonna take some time, be kind with yourself while you are undoing all you haven't done ever, for 70 years.
That's it. This is a lot. This post is reactive. This post really fired me up. Fire is good, but I don't mean to be projecting on you. I just want to reiterate the importance that it starts with us, with you. You, yourself. Where your attention goes, energy flows. Lets start flowing down the luxurious rivers of equanimity, that contain waterfalls of compassion, and hot springs of loving-kindness. It's time. I love you.
