This weekend my friend and I were discussing our control issues, and our lack of patience when we're really excited about things or people. I've visited this subject before but I don't believe I've blogged in depth about it. The idea of sitting back, and letting life unfold as it will, rather then how we want it to, or think it should.
As a woman I was raised to believe that if I work really hard I will get what I want. For the most part, this has been true. Soccer, college, grad school, New York State career, leaving said career to follow dreams, yoga career/dream job. The one thing this never applied to was, or rather was applied to but never worked out, was relationships with men, or relationships with anyone really. Since working really hard in other aspects of life allowed me to have what I wanted, why wasn't it working when it came to men? If I do this, say that, go there, listen here, I should have the relationship that I desire, no? Right. No. We can never work hard enough to make another person, who isn't supposed to be in our life, be in our life.
Applying the exact opposite of what I learned growing up, to men, has helped me to continue living my life with more trust than anything. Instead of "working really hard," when it comes to a relationship I've been sitting back more. Allowing it to unfold honestly, without force. Surprisingly this has FELT better. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm having success finding a partner, but I am having so much success in the acceptance realm. That former suitors, boyfriends, fuckboys, and even bosses (lol) are not meant for me, because nothing that is meant for me, and my life, will pass me by.
It's kind of like yoga poses. The more we force our bodies into these shapes the less good they feel. When we start to soften, and just allow a bit more, our bodies naturally take shape and move to where they want to go, rather then where we think they need to go. Case in point, yesterday morning at Ashtanga. Aura, my new ashtanga teacher, asked me to relax, breathe and trust. While shifting my knee towards midline with her inner thigh, she gradually pulled my opposite arm forward, almost out of its socket, and wrapped it around the front of my knee. With her free hand compressing my body to my bent knee and gently guiding my back arm to bind behind me, and I held onto my own fingers for five full breaths! I bound for the first time in Marichyasana D. Which, if we practiced together in Naples, you just KNOW how special this is.
Every time she felt my body start to tense she repeated, "relax, breath, trust." And another inch was found. And again, and again till I saw the wall behind me. But, with tension and force and clenching, my body was a rock.
Surrender**. Stillness. Softness. Releasing our grip. Dissolving our tensions. Whatever you'd like to call it is SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE at first. "But what if I never hear from them again?" "He could at least have the courtesy to answer me! I should text again" "OMG what a DICK." ...those questions start to fill our bodies with worry, those attacking comments are so easy to resort to, BUT stay with me...what if...we flipped the view around? What if we were instead, THANKFUL AF that they never got back to us, that they weren't courtesy, because it's showing true colors and why on earth would we want someone lacking respect and manners in our life to begin with?
The last man I dated in Naples I used this approach with and it felt so much better. Crystal Clear. There was honesty and communication and because there wasn't force or need to control, when it did end, there was very little to be upset about because gratitude for reality trumped everything else. I'm also applying this approach to the man I'm dating now, and it's been nothing but lovely. I'm able to live my life, he is living his, and I know and trust he wants to see me because, while I'm sitting back and not forcing, he is politely reaching out and showing with words and actions that he wants to see me.
I wasted too many years, texting, yelling, forcing, trying, "working really hard," only to be left with men that were not meant for me. I always scoffed and grimaced at people who said "it shouldn't be work," and while I still believe effort is needed on both ends, it doesn't have to feel ICKY or exhausting. It's like when I teach yoga, I get more energized. It's hard work, but I want to serve others.
With that mouthful, I invite you to try it. One hour at a time. Just sit back and watch life unfold as it should. If you're struggling with a relationship issue of any kind, (I say this because my boss in Naples was someone I just had to sit back and not react to), try just allowing it to be. And even if there are claw marks when you release your grip, it's ok, but try it. At first it feels uncomfortable, then it gets easier, then it feels like FREEDOM.
Today I start at my new yoga home, Y7- Studio. We train this week and next, and hopefully I'll teaching by the end of the month. Can't wait to share more about it, but for now, "relax, breathe and trust." Love you, LP
(**When we start to live in this way your physical body make experience detoxification symptoms. When we choose to let go of the grip, or surrender, it can look like, but not limited to: peeing a lot, pooping a lot, longer than usual periods, acne, severe fatigue, or in worst case flu like symptoms. )
